Sunday, May 13, 2007

resignation, resignation, resignation

I picked up the local paper. A large photograph of a proud smiling young local man in military uniform looked out from the front page. I sighed. Yet again somebody else’s bad news had pushed my bad news from the headlines. My agent was going to be furious. I used the newspaper to mop up some baby sick. Just then the phone rang. ‘Rilly, darling!’ said a man’s voice. ‘Who is this?’ I demanded. ‘It’s me dear!’ said the mysterious stranger. ‘You remember, 1997, you, me, the vicar?’ ‘Tony? I thought we weren’t going to mention that night again, and anyway, haven’t you got something else on today?' Then I remembered that was the year I got married and sighed. ‘I’ve got a big surprise for our wedding anniversary!’ my husband told me, excitedly. ‘I’ll pick you up in an hour’. I yawned. He only ever got that excited when he had managed to get Barbara Streisand tickets. What could he possibly have in mind?

I should have known. We stood in the drizzle. Trimdon Labour Club on a wet thursday lunchtime. The great orator, up north for his final oration, but we were out in the cold. 'It’s not that I’m ungrateful’ I said ‘but didn’t you think to get tickets dear?’ I asked my husband. ‘Yes, but the chap from the party I gave the money to was arrested by Scotland Yard five minutes after I left. That kind of thing’s a bit hit and miss at the moment. If anyone tries to sell you a raffle ticket today, just say you haven’t got any change. It’s too risky’. ‘Remind me, why are we here again?’ I asked. ‘Tony Blair is part of our history!’ he exclaimed ‘You’ll be part of my flippin' history if we don’t get in the warm soon!’ I told him. ‘Oh look, I can see some people I know, I’ll see what I can sort out’ he said and he shuffled off with an ‘air hellair’ here and a ‘good to see you old chap’ there until he faded from earshot and from sight.

‘Mummy, why do you like Tony Blair?’ asked Tilly, tugging on my sleeve. ‘Because Tony Blair likes people that work hard dear’. ‘Like Natalia you mean, Mummy?’ ‘Mummy works hard as well dear.’ Tilly looked at me blankly. 'Mummy?' I looked down at her inquisitive expression. 'have you ever met the prime minister?' 'You'll have to buy my memoirs dear', I replied. ‘Mummy?’ 'Yes Tilly?’ ‘Who was that man that Daddy was talking to?’ 'That was Peter Mandelson dear.’ ‘And why did Daddy put his hands in his pockets?’ ‘I think he was just trying to look working class dear.' ‘Mummy?' ‘Yes Tilly, dear?’ 'Who are those men dressed all over in orange and shouting at Tony Blair?’ ‘They are very bad men Tilly.’ ‘Are they terrorists Mummy?’ ‘No, dear, I don't think so, they must be Liberal Democrats’. ‘Mummy, one of those bad men said Tony Blair drops bombs on children. Tony Blair's not going to drop a bomb on me and Milly is he, Mummy?’ 'No dear, he only does that to bad foreign children, but maybe we’ll move a little closer to Wife in the North and Tom Watson over there just to be on the safe side.' ‘Mummy? ‘Yes Tilly, what is it now?' ‘Why are you wearing a red rose?’ ‘Because if I buy a rose it offsets the carbon emissions from Tony Blair’s private jet from London, dear’. ‘Mummy, I need a wee’. ‘Oh, I can’t take you now Tilly, I’ll miss the speech, go and ask one of the men in orange jumpsuits to take you.’

‘When is Tony going to make his big speech?' I asked the lady next to me. ‘It was over an hour ago pet’, she said. ‘We’re just waiting for the raffle to be drawn’. I looked down at my glass of champagne. The bubbles had gone but the raindrops falling on the surface made it appear not quite completely flat and the cold damp northern wind had kept it cool. I looked up and a single raindrop fell on my face and ran down my cheek like a tear, like having a real emotion.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Absolutely fucking wonderful..

But you do realise that you are now going to be 'extraordinarily rendered' ? Can't be too careful with these seditious bloggers - after all if you have done nothing wrong you have nothing to fear...

rilly super said...

thanks ever so anonymous. it's been so cold and wet here today a spell in a CIA B&B by the seaside in Cuba might be just the ticket

mutterings and meanderings said...

Poignant, absolutely poignant, Rilly.

Lizzie said...

Oh,gosh. Marvelouslo, R. Do hope I didn't do ya wrong, earlier. Am about to grovel soonest. O.K.?Lizzie xx

lady macleod said...

Perhaps for his birthday you could get him tickets to a Meg Ryan - Tom Hanks retrospective?

The Secretary said...

Brilliant! Love reading your stuff, it always makes me laugh out loud!

Can't wait for the next one.

@themill said...

Rilly, I weep with you.

Sarnia said...

You really are a saint, Rilly. Al this awful oop North stuff like Trim what ever it's called.

Daisy Turnip said...

You're fab! You rilly are.

Keep up the good work

Anonymous said...

Rilly dear

It's bad enough not getting tickets to see Tony Has Been. But you have been understating your plight.

I have only just worked out where you are - somewhere really truly far north. I think you are not one hour but TWO hours away from the nearest Harvey Nicks. The nearest one to you is probably Edinburgh.

How do you cope, sweetums?

Drunk Mummy said...

Dearest Rilly, I thought by your post title, you might be taking the place of Kirsty Allsopp in a new spin off series about people who move from London, and buy property in the North. I can just see you snuggling up to Phil Spencer on camera.

Anonymous said...

Rilly, can you send me a quick text when you have got Phil Spencer occupied, so that I can snuggle up to the ravishingly deliciously gorgeous Kirstie 'ten times sexier than Sarah Beeny' Allsop...

Sorry, got to dash to have a cold shower...

Anonymous said...

Rilly, Good to see you have 'misery blogging' monopolised, as Wifey does not appear to have been updating hers for several days. My money is on her having done a runner to the smoke and left her hubby holding the sprogs.

Either that or her husband has finally been rumbled...

Anonymous said...

I feel a book deal on the way Rilly...........brilliant blog

debio said...

Simply inspired!
Hilarious.
Unputdownable - well it would be if it were a book.
Come to think - may I be your official reviewer when the print is dry?

Lucy Diamond said...

Loved it too. Brilliant. Someone get Rilly a book deal immediately.
"Real emotion" and everything - whatever next? ;)

a rilly's fan said...

does anyone agree with me that rilly deserves a book deal much more the the wifey?

Nunhead Mum of One said...

I don't know about book deals but I know that I look forward to new posts from Rilly like I look forward to a bar of Galaxy and a nice cup of tea on a cold day!

muddyboots said...

l have just found your blog. you are even further north than me, it took me years to understand the dialect, hubby had to interpret for me, yorkshire pudding as a starter with onion gravy, mushy peas, oh for a cottage loaf or lardy cake.

rilly super said...

M&M, I'm so pleased you are moved by my plight dear. You are lovely!

lizzie, no need to grovel, you can do no wrong by me, we're all friends after all

lady macleod, he's already worn out two VHS and one DVD of 'Sleepless in seattle'

Secretary, I't's all worthwhile if my suffering can help others, sigh

@mill, oh, don't, you've set me off now, sob

Sarnia, you have no idea. I bloody well hope I don't have to wait as long as Mother Theresa for my canonisation

daisy, thankyou and thanks for dropping by

Anonymous, Not exactly sure where I am as i don't think our village is even on the map. I think Leeds is a little closer but Edinburgh also has jenners of course.

Drunk mummy, typical, with that show the chaps get to drool over the lovely Kirsty whilst all we girls get is a balding estate agent called Phil. Surely they could get, say, Daniel Craig to pretend to be an estate agent in that show so we get our share of totty as well!

anonymous, I am quite sure that Phil offers no competition with you for Kirsty's affections

anonymous, i think I know why she hasn't been blogging. I'm sure I saw her in the bathroom store at the weekend, now what a coincidence that is!

anonymous, if only my agent would get off the golf course for five minutes...

debio,thankyou darling, you can write those ecstatic reiews on amazon if you like. Start on them now so you have a dozen or so ready to post when the book comes out

Lucy, we are not worthy! A proper writer coming on this blog! watch out or next time I might not let you leave!

a rilly's fan, alas I fear I am destined never to snuggle up to trollope and Cooper on the book shelves, sigh, but thanks ever so for your encouragement, I really appreciate it

nunhead mum of one, that is the most lovely thing to say. Thankyou, it means a lot

muddyboots, thanks for visitng dear. You are right, it's a whole foreign world up here, sigh. Without the UN airdrops of fortnums hampers I don't know how I'd survive...