Monday, May 21, 2007

all clichés great and small

‘Rilly, darling’ began my agent. I sighed. I knew what was coming. ‘have you read Wife in the North this weekend?’ I had indeed. ‘She’s talking bullocks dear, and so should you be!’ I paused before answering ‘That’s exactly what I’ve been doing since you told me you could get me a book deal dear, which I am increasingly thinking, by the way, is nothing but a figment of your imagination!’ ‘Rilly, I assure you it’s just a matter of a few final details, how to translate talking bullocks into Japanese so it remains the brilliant and sparklingly original witty pun that it is in english, how shabbily you should be dressed in your publicity shots without people thinking we were trying a bit too hard to make you look like a normal struggling housewife, that kind of thing.’ My agent is very convincing. He is the top agent in London, they say, well, he says. However, I refuse to resort to innuendo about studs and rumps and beefcake. This blog is high literature and if I can’t write the book I want based upon my grim life then I will just have to return to my novel where I'm not under pressure to resort to cliché and stereotype. ‘I’m not going to try and turn this blog into a James Herriot story you know’, I told my agent. ‘That’s already been done and much better than I could do.’ ‘Oh gosh!' exclaimed my agent, 'who by?' 'Erm..' I said ' by James Herriot’. ‘Crikey, he sounds awfully good’, said my agent, ‘do you know if he’s got a book deal at all?’ I sighed. Anyway, if I wrote lovingly about farm animals and then it came to light I had complained to the council about the cockeral that woke me up well before ten almost every morning it wouldn’t look good. I said my goodbyes to my agent and read through the letter from the environmental health department. ‘Dear Mrs Super’, it began, ‘further to your complaint about noise from the farmyard near your house we have now agreed that no cocks should be allowed within half a mile of your bedroom’. As if that was going to change anything, I sighed.

21 comments:

Jack Havana said...

Rilly, I fear Wife in the North's blog is declining day by day. You must send her some encouragement, otherwise she'll have to refund her advance and won't be able to afford the extension, or whatever it is she's got the builders in for.
Your blog, however, continues to be a shaft of sunshine in the musty catacombs of life. Or something like that.

Anonymous said...

Ace Work, Ms Super.

In contrast to Mr Havana, can I say that whilst Wifey's blog is normally an ode to mediocrity, her 'talking bullocks' does at least capture the spirit of country life rather better.

Perhaps she has actually shed a few tears and realised that she has to buckle down and mix it with the locals, rather than having a foot in both camps.

Can I say to you, Rilly dearest, strictly 'entrez nous', that she has indeed stumbled upon something when she speculates as to how young farmers discuss the opposite sex...

Many moons ago I did indeed hear them discussing 'hind quarters', and I don't think it was the cattle they were talking about in the pub.

mutterings and meanderings said...

Rilly, I always thought life in your part of the North was just like an episode of All Creatures Great and Small

Marianne said...

Rilly, I know the perfect person for your Japanese translation, that's if he's not still lost in train station .....

Apparently farmers aren't just looking for good hind quarters, they want a substantial property too, according to a straw poll at a recent Young Farmers do. Bullocks to that.

beta mum said...

I once reviewed a play performed by the Jersey Young Farmers, and on interviewing them found they were mostly Young Accountants.
Still, that's Jersey for you.
Re Wifey - I expect she's saving her best stories of life among the yokels for The Book these days, otherwise we wouldn't have to buy it, would we?

Anonymous said...

I honestley don't know how you can survive without a cock nearby........I feel for you, will send you some chocolate to compensate

@themill said...

Rilly, your grim life becomes more arduous each day.
Anon 3.23 - you'd better make it chocolate willies. Available from all good tacky shops

enidd said...

enidd thinks that you don't rilly need to ban cocks from the vicinity of your bedroom all day. they get up first thing in the morning and that's when they're at their most insistent.

The Secretary said...

Well I'm with you on this one - there hasn't been a sighting of any cock near my bedroom since 1995, thank goodness. Mind you I did threaten to shoot said cock if it came near me again after a bout of postnatal depression following a difficult birth which resulted in my youngest son being born in the lift at the local hospital whilst said owner of the cock parked the car - but that's another story!

lady macleod said...

LOL. Damn I wonder if that cock rule is in effect in the Maghreb? bugger.

aims said...

Rilly - my hat is off to you on this one - and my condolences on your sex life - have they heard of batteries in your northern part of the world?

EmmaK said...

Rilly, without getting too personal, how often does your husband visit you up north to give you your conjugals? I still can't fathom what you're doing up north while hubby is somewhere else. I suppose I could always read all your back entries (ooh er missus) or maybe you could enlighten?

I Beatrice said...

It's just one great big cock-and-bull story after another rilly, Rilly!

That agent of yours needs a good shake. Tell him to take the bull by its horns (or the cock by its crow so to speak). Try a little Pro-acting (or Pre-empting) rather than just Re-acting every time!

Go on - you can do it!

Lucy Diamond said...

High literature indeed, although I for one am happy to read about studs and rumps and beefcake. When's the next Young Farmers' get-together, then?

Anonymous said...

Re Anonymous of 10.54

I agree with the Ace Work comment of course.

You were discussing something with Rilly on a strictly "entrez nous" basis. Well "entre nous" means between us. "Entrez nous" means something else entirely.

Mind you, you were talking about Young Farmers at the time, so I think you probably meant what you said ....

Lizzie said...

It's all bull to me, I fear, Rilly. Is there hope?

Linda said...

Dear Rilly, I wonder does the absence of a cock in your bedroom take you back to your days at boarding school? The answer may be to get yourself a little pussy cat to keep you company. You may not have heard the saying 'don't knock it until you have tried it' - as it is rather base, I know, but one could do worse. Well so my friends who've tried it, have told me anyway.

Cathy said...

Rilly, you get better and better...

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Rilly you do make me laugh! And your comments are getting more and more risque...will you be taking up Linda's suggestion?
Pigx

rilly super said...

Jack, I do hope she doesn't flag as she is an inspiration to me, as to so many others, sigh. Thankyou for your ever so kind words.

anonymous, you are very kind. I certainly hope that none of the lcoals discuss me in terms of livestock although I am sure the word 'cow' has slipped past the lips of one or two of them, sigh

M&M, well, it does seem like living in the thirties here sometimes, especially when my husband appears in his tweed breeks on a saturday morning to blend in when he goes down to the paper shop

marianne, I have read your descriptions of your son and he is more than welcome to visit any time. who knows, he may even have some to do some translation for me...

betemum darling, perhaps you are right about wifey concentrating on the book and saving her best stuff for that. If only I could make the same excuse, sigh

anonymous, all donations of chocolate gratefully received dear. It has have ony just comne off rationing around here and you know what they say, chocolate still satisfies even after it has gone soft...

@mill, is that tacky shops or tackle shops?

enidd, thanks for visiting. I think you are right and I am noe thinking I was perhaps a little over zealous, or a little wide in my definitions...

secretary, crikey, another story? a whole novel I should think dear! As those nice young men from Aerosmith sang in 'love in an elevator':

Gotta get my timin right
Its a test that I gotta pass
Ill chase you all the way to stairway, honey
Kiss your sassafrass

rilly super said...

lady mcloed, ah, The Maghreb, I know that coffee bar very well, the best one on Islington.I have never seen anyone asked to leave for that reason, I must confess

aims, thankyou for your heartfelt sympathies dear. I exhausted all the batteries in the house one lonely weekend and found only one place where I could power my, erm lonliness abater, but imagine the trouble I had explaining to mt husband why the car wouldn't start

emma, he does visit me here but it seems he has other things on his mind when he is here. He does work so hard you know, as evidenced by the fact thathe often brings his personal secrtary Fabio up north with him at the weekend. As for how I got to be in this situation, it's a long story of uprooting, downshifting and cross purposes, sigh

beatrice, I'm so glad you're back. I have missed you, you know. You are quite right, I need to have words with my agent, he is not so much leading me up the garden path as leading me several junctions up the M1. thanbks for returning and I do hope you won't disappear again dear.

Lucy, I am always so proud to have someone who has manged to find an agent who actually gets their books published visit here. Perhaps I should try and spice things up a little if that kind of thing is popular.

anonymous, entrez nous must ne something to do with hors d'oervres, or is my french a little rusty..


lizzie, there is always hope, except possibly in the case of strife in the north ever featuring on the literary fiction shelves of waterstones, sigh

Linda, you must be psychic mentioning boarding school! I will certainly take 'your friend's' advice on board dear, wink wink

Cathy, thank you. I do so appreciate such kind sentiments you know.

PITK, well, as to my taking up any suggestions about my personal life that is between me, my husband, the bedpost, and the next blog post..