Wednesday, July 11, 2007

all at sea

The phone rang. ‘Rilly!’ said my agent, ‘It’s your agent', he continued. You haven’t posted anything for nearly a week. Your readers need to know you’re having a terrible time on holiday!’ I hesitated a moment. ‘I’m on Iain Dale's yacht in Monte Carlo'. I told my agent. 'He invited me for cocktails to make up for not linking to me even though he's linked to Wife in the North’. ‘But your readers need to feel sorry for you Rilly, surely you can pull those emotional strings, even from the south of France’. ‘Ouch!’ I said. ‘What’s wrong Rilly?' he asked. 'I didn't offend you I hope'. ‘It's OK’, I assured him, 'This gold plated phone just gets very hot in the sun'. My agent sounded concerned. ‘Look, just do what you can, there’s a love’, he said. ‘Oh, but of course, I almost forgot’, he continued, ‘will you be able to update the blog from a yacht?’ Don’t worry’, I assured him. ‘I wrote this conversation weeks ago and asked my daughter to post it for me while I was away’. ‘You’re a genius Rilly!’ said my agent, ‘But however did you know what I was going to say?’ I laughed. ‘Men are very predictable’, I told him, ‘au revoir’, and I passed the gold phone to Tom Watson who was growing impatient to phone the shore and order more pies.

Suddenly the waiter came over with my pina colada. But wait a minute, what was this, a little blue parasol? oh sigh, before marriage, before children, before the north, it had been nothing but pink parasols but now it seemed as if I didn’t have control over anything in my life anymore. I bet you get pink parasols on Tom’s yacht, I thought with a sigh. A wave of sadness (hmmm, nice subtle nautical metaphor there) washed over me and a single tear welled up in my eye, ran down my cheek and dripped into my drink, perhaps seeking to be close to the ice cubes and feel like it was back home in The frozen North. ‘Garçon!’ I called out. ‘Oui, Madame’, said the waiter. ‘There is something salty in my drink, I think it’s brine’. I didn't want to admit to crying into my cocktail. The waiter raised his eyebrows. ‘Ah. mon dieu! Zat Brian, ee is a filthy buggeur. I’ ave told ‘im about ‘zis un oeuf fois before already! I will ‘ave ‘im thrown overboard immediatement Madame!’. The next thing I knew was a man being dragged from the galley and thrown over the side. ‘Toss me a line!’ cried the man in the sea. ‘I zink zer has been quite un oeuf tossing on zis boat for today Brian!’ said the waiter and turned to me. ‘Now madame, ow about I get you anozer drink?’ ‘Men!’ I thought, with another sigh...

9 comments:

aims said...

dear Rilly - is the sun getting to you? Tossing tossers - what will you think of next?

lady macleod said...

trials and tribulations oh my.

mutterings and meanderings said...

Rilly, uyou must come home. Your Aga needs you...

Sarnia said...

Your sufferings know no bounds - oop North; South of France.

You really are such a stalwart; I really don't know how you cope.

J.J said...

Ah, so that's how waiters on posh yachts get their own back on fabulously successful writers of blogs! Well at least that's one less thing we lesser mortals have to worry about :-)

rilly super said...

aims, well, it is the silly season... ( nice to see you again by the way )

me ladyship, story of my life, sigh

M@M, (warning: crap pun coming up)
my aga khan wait till I get home. Oh gawd, I can't beleive I actually typed that. just f***G shoot me please

sarnia, I know what you mean, you can take the woman out of the terrible lonely cold north but you can't take the terrible cold lonely north..well, you get the gist

JJ, you are too kind ( or am I being presumptious that you meant me, sigh?)

The thinker said...

Oh Rilly - you are so clever, you speak French. Do you speak it with a northern accent?

I think you should come home soon to check up on the builders - or they'll not finish on time. Just so long as you are able to keep your spirits up - but sometimes duty calls ..

Don't fret that Iain Dale has failed to link to your blog - he probably realises that you're a superior being - with a sharp wit - he may not like to feel challenged.

Lizzie said...

Thinker, it would appear that Rilly is indeed 'keeping her spirits up'... at the very least. No worries there then.

Tears before blogtime too..

Rilly, it's always 'up hill & down Dale' - so the saying goes I believe.. I feel that I shouldn't comment further, in this instance.
Hmm.

Hugs, Lizzie

rilly super said...

thinker, a northern accent?! huff and puff! I think you are right, I need to get 'home', The au pair has been telling rude jokes to the children when her first duty and reponsibility is to tell them to me first, sigh

lizzie, thankyou for your hugs. I have such a hard and difficult life that I very much welcome your support, sigh