Thursday, April 12, 2007

the outsider function

Milly and Tilly were keen and ready to go on their expedition far and away across the other side of the road but I stopped them at the front door. ‘Ok girls, you haven’t forgotten anything now have you?’ ‘No Mummy’, they sighed. ‘Let’s just make sure’ I said. 'You must be prepared, it's grim up north you know.' I ran through the checklist:

Telescopic poles to tap on the road so I know where you are
GPS electronic satellite thingy to save £2 cost of streetmap
Ray Mears wilderness bushcraft survival handbook and DVD
large heavy copy of Bravo Two Zero to beat off local children
Brightly coloured woolly hats with dangly tassles to blend in
Supply of kendal mintcake to trade for real food in emergency
Portable Camping aga, well, just never leave home without it
Flag sent from Ken Livingstone to stake claim to village green
Sunglasses as disguise from journos not from Sunday Times
Anecdotes about falling down a crevasse on Hamstead Heath
Spray-on repellent and hat to keep locals at bay if item 4 fails

I realised I needed to quickly go and work on a less tenuous sounding action mountaineering adventure movie inspired title so I left out the last twenty five items on the list. 'Ok girls, I want you back from Freya’s birthday party by six. Don't dawdle, don't talk to any local children on the way and don't come back without a goody bag worth at least the same as Freya's birthday present, oh hang on, damn, her present, I knew there was something I'd forgotten...


dulwichmum said...

Darling Rilly,

I do hope you eventually provided Freya with a gift substantially more tasteful than the selection of Barbies currently on offer in Hamleys. You can buy either Barbie with a dog that poos or Barbie with a cat that piddles. This obsession with bodily functions is far from healthy if you ask me. It's just filth!

Cathy said...

I know you are from Islington and not Hampstead, darling....but I don't think Ken Livingstone will appreciate that you have forgotten so much about North London place names....

rilly super said...

dulwichmum dear, I don't know what Freud ( Clement or Sigmund indeed ) would have said about the effect on a childs development of such functionally correct toys. There is hardly any need for such things here in the country however and in fact your last three words are exactly what I said in my letter to the local paper about muck-spreading

Cathy, lovely of you to drop by. I am from Islington as you say but we did begin our preparations for the rugged outdoor life we now lead by going to open air concerts at Kenwood House, acclimatising to the thin air by sitting a little further up the hill each time and building our strength up by putting increasingly large bottles of champagne in the picnic basket on each occasion.