Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I believe in angels

I answered the door to find a tall blond man on the doorstep. ‘Hello’, he said, ‘You are wife in the north, ja?’ ‘I’m afraid not’, I told him, ‘and you are..?’ He held out his hand. ‘I am Sven Svensson from Sverige, pleased to meet you’. ‘Ah’, I understood now, ‘you must be from the car company about the missing keys’. ‘No’, he said, ‘I am from the Nobel Prize committee. The panel thinks that anyone who can write three blog posts about losing their car keys can give JK Rowling a run for her money this year.’ I looked puzzled. ‘Only joking!’ he laughed, 'yes I am here about the keys'. ‘Wife in the north has found hers’, I said, ‘but I could do with your help here’. I led him to the car. He looked inside and saw Tilly trying to guess what ‘S.W.’ was for the fiftieth time in her one-girl game of eye-spy. ‘I thought the custom in England was for the parents to lock themselves in the car with the children all bank holiday weekend’, he said. ‘This has changed now?’ ‘We’re downshifted’, I told him. ‘We like to be a bit different’. He studied the lock. ‘Actually’, he began, ‘My brother works for the car company but I asked if I could stand in for him as I am such a big fan of wife in the north’. ‘That’s nice’ I said. ‘Also, he was a bit confused by the directions to her house.’ ‘Oh?’ I said. ‘Yes, he thought wife in the north must be in Lappland but then he found out she was in England and he said ‘but England is in the south! These English are crazy! I am not going there if they are all so strange. I will stay in Sweden and beat myself with birch twigs like any normal person!’'. He fumbled in his pockets and produced an allan key. I was sure that wouldn’t open my super high-tech Swedish electronic locking system. He stuck the allan key in the lock and the entire car door fell off it’s hinges. ‘Are you sure you’re from the car company?' I asked as Tilly looked up and said ‘Mummy, are we nearly there yet?’ Well, actually...’ he began, 'I work for Ikea but it’s the same principle’. I nodded in understanding. ‘That’s done then’, he said. ‘You don’t mind if I use your sauna do you?’ 'I'll get you a towel', I sighed. Soon Sven would go back to Sweden and I would be left alone again, oh Sven, when you're gone, how can I even try to go on...

17 comments:

mutterings and meanderings said...

And how long did Sven stay for? I do hope you behaved yourself Rilly...

rilly super said...

of course my dear! He's still here so must dash...

spymum said...

Don't hurry back (nudge, nudge, wink wink, say no more!)

If only a tall blond Swede would materialise at my door - sigh.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure there will always be some people who find this sort of thing entertaining but I think there is something decidely queer with such an obsessively long and nasty pisstake.

Are you a closet stalker, perhaps ?

If you don't like WITN's blog - and I could sympathise to an extent with that - then don't read it. For the love of God though, give up with the puerile pisstaking. Enough already !

rilly super said...

spymum, you just need to lose the car keys, just check where all the children are first though of course.

anonymous, thanks ever so for dropping by and for the very helpful advice. You're not Tom Watson are you? Just to make sure I understood: Don't stay up untill one in the morning reading blogs you don't like just to criticise them, ok, got that. Very sorry you don't approve dear, but it's grim up north you know. Even my architect, interior designer, publishing agent, nanny and cleaning lady think it's grim so I can certainly understand your point of view. You should try a blog by someone with an easier life; have you ever read Baghdad Burning for instance? Hope you find something on the internet one day of which you approve darling, sigh

Anonymous said...

I think you are taking things too seriously anonymous. Half of the 'mummy' blogs around are parodies, and I'm not sure which side of that fence WITN is but I don't think her blog is quite the gritty social realism you think it is. Wifey is being paid to write a novel after all. Novels are fiction (made up) btw

Stay at home dad said...

Er, anonymous, you're talking to yourself...

rilly super said...

anonymous, mummy blog?! sob

stay at home dad, well, we all do it don't we? I'm the only person I see some days whose accent I can understand. It's grim up north you know.

dulwichmum said...

Good evening darling Rilly,

I think you are SUPER.

I received nasty comments from someone called 'anonymous' - not dis similar to yours, and the poor person had been spending in excess of two and a half hours a week reading my blog for nearly three months before they informed me of how tiresome I was. Poor anonymous still reads my blog now! Don't you sympathise with this person? If they are not enjoying reading, why don't they go and read The Daily (hate) Mail, The Guardian or some other humourless rubbish?

I think you are gifted!

spymum said...

An anonymous called me a very, very nasty word last week, which was somewhat disturbing (for about five minutes). Ah well - everyone's entitled to their opinion!

If one doesn't like a blog, don't visit the site, let alone leave comments.

Say 'Hi' to Sven for me Rilly!

rilly super said...

dulwich mum and spymum, sounds like it's just an occupational hazard then, sigh. At least when my book comes out people will have to pay £19.99 to write anonymous comments on it and I won't mind so much if I'm getting a royalty out of it. You are both lovely by the way.

spymum said...

Yay Rilly! Woot woot!

I'll be first in the queue.

Lizzie said...

Dear Anon 11.4 --- 1.18am
I do think we need more, not fewer piss-takers in this world, dear.
Just look to see where the non-piss-takers are taking us!!

Just cast your mind back (if you can) to 'Mrs Merton', a piss-taker of some note. When interviewing Debbie Magee, she asked, 'So,tell me, Debbie Magee, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?'

Long live Rilly and her ilk. We need balloons to be burst before our very eyes.

rilly super said...

spymum, I'll send you a signed copy but might be a while, my agent and publishers seems to have other priorities at the mo, sigh

lizzie, well dear, I can only recount my grim life and hope people will see a little flicker of light through the grimness. I can't change what happens to me, we're just an ordinary family, sigh

Anonymous said...

Oh, Rilly ! Ring ! Ring ! Why don't you give me a call ?

Anonymous said...

To 'anonymous' at 11/4/07 - The fact that you use the phrase 'Enough already!' marks you out as a Yankee Wankee - and therefore don't have a clue about British humour. You like to impose your views on the rest of the world and bomb them back to the 'stone age' if they don't like your 'shock and awe'. Well we don't like this blog, WE LOVE IT, now crawl back to your little stone in Detroit before you get squashed, 'loser'...

Anonymous said...

Yes, of course, I see now ! The scales have fallen from my eyes !

Parody and satire are evil and nasty and belong to the past and will not be appealing to the masses in any way shape or form, oh no sirree...

So, let us bin all those Spitting Image videos. Let us cease watching Rory Bremner's evil and wicked TV show. Let us desist from viewing 'Mark Thomas' on Channel 4. Let us avoid the uncoolness of admitting to watching 'Dead Ringers'...

And let us say nay, nay and thrice nay ! to watching 'The Thick Of It' on the BBC website, or even buying the DVD so one can enjoy the saying of naughty words on the BBC, since that we would be childish and silly and infantile...

No Rilly, serious and sensible is the way to world domination - just look at those adverts featuring the PC and the Macintosh...