Friday, April 20, 2007

dear diary

06.00 Husband gets up to go to go back to London. I don’t notice because I made him sleep in the spare room last night so he didn’t get me up early.
06.15 Woken by nanny’s crying. She is homesick. She shouldn’t really have her clock radio set to Radio Gdansk Breakfast Show. It can’t help. It is good reception up here though. If not for Denmark in the way you could even see Poland from here.
06.19 Baby starts to cry.
06.20 Switch on Radio to drown out baby. The sound of Carolyn Quinn makes me feel homesick. I start to cry.
06.22 I bang on wall and shout to Nanny that children will be late for school. Pull pillow over head.
08.20 Hear door slam as children go to school.
09.30 Phone rings. It is my agent. Why have I hardly written anything this week? Why not do a diary type post to show how awfully busy I am because everyone thinks the nanny does everything. Put phone down, pull duvet over head.
09.45 Call in Natalia and tell her to make a list of everything I do today.
09.48 Gaze at Radio Times picture of Colin Firth as MrDarcy stuck on ceiling above bed.
10.00 Log onto Wife in the North. Consoled that someone else has as grim a life as me. Read comments onWifey's blog. Someone using a photo of Audrey Hepburn in their profile criticises another commenter for hiding behind anonymity. V. strange.
10.30 Think probably should get out of bed now. Just time for a quick bath before I go out to site meeting at cottage.
12.45 Get out of bath. Can’t find car keys.
12.46 Write blog post about losing car keys and make appointment with post traumatic stress disorder consultant. He can’t see me for three weeks due to sudden influx of downshifters putting strain on resources by losing keys, dealing with homesick nannies and arguing with builders about pantries.
12.57 Find car keys.
13.00 Get in car. Husband has filled it with petrol. Hurrah! Start engine.
13.01 Find favourite CD in glove box to cheer me up.
13.05 Car engine cuts out. Remember now that car runs on diesel. V. bad
13.06 Can’t get James Blunt out of my stereo, as well as out of my head, now ignition dead. Start to cry.
13.07 look in rear view mirror. ‘you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful it’s true’. Cry some more.
13.20 Get out of car. Realize I will have to walk all the rest of the way, sigh, start walking.
13.24 Arrive at cottage for meeting with architect.
13.30 Disappointed when architect says building noise hasn’t forced owners of remaining house in street to sell to us.
13.31 Grumpy local (is there another kind?) complains about housing shortage. I tell him my family occupies three houses in the village so how can he say there is a shortage.
14.00 Arrive back home just in time for health visitor to drop by. She is local so brings an interpretor.
14.01 Health visitor checks baby’s name for records. 'Willy Super', I tell her. 'No, I know your name Rilly', she says, 'what’s the baby’s name.?' I tell her she can jolly well run along and return when she can be more respectful. Health visitor goes red and falls off chair.
14.05 My agent rings. I need to do something to add some local atmosphere. He has booked riding lesson. He hangs up. Riding what? I ask myself.
14.30 Time for first drink according to new years resolution, as amended from no alcohol until 7pm on January 3rd and absolutely not a drop until 5.30pm on February 12th.
15.00 Send Natalia to off licence for fresh supplies
15.45 Children arrive back from school. I tell Natalia to tell them I have died.
15.48 Milly and Tilly start to cry.
15.50 Natalia comes upstairs. She starts to cry
15.51 I start to cry.
15.52 I have another drink.
15.55 Phone rings. I am expected at riding stables 10 am tomorrow. Voice from riding stables says he can't quite match my name with a face. I remind him who I am. Riding instructor starts to cry.

24 comments:

Sarnia said...

Wonderful! Am laughing out loud!

It's funny you should mention your D'Arcy pic - I have the same one (from Radio Times of 12 years ago) on my fridge. However his face is covered by a baboon head fridge magnet (courtesy of younger son).

mutterings and meanderings said...

Oh yes! A fab return to form from Mrs Super ...

Anonymous said...

The equivalent of Wayne Rooney scoring a hat trick ! Can't wait to hear about you joining the 'horsey' set...

Anonymous said...

Make sure you have a word with eminem about being a real, caring 'horsey' person. If you just go on about the posh apparel you will just go and attract a load of Telegraph reading old codgers talking about jodhpurs...

But then again, anything that gets your traffic up...

The Secretary said...

...........and I thought it was just me who hid from my children. OK you have to have them for the child benefit and the whole looking after you when you are older, but really, I draw the line at having to do things with them.

dulwichmum said...

Rilly darling, dry your eyes. I can see you now in a pair of jods with some super boots a back protector, velvet hat and a crop! That will cheer you up dear heart, there are limitless accessories to purchase, the wardrobe combinations are endless. Riding will do wonders for your shattered pelvic floor, otherwise you are looking at a future wearing Tena pants!

aims said...

Oh dear - if you're going to get into the horsey bit - I hope you're head is a normal size and you don't want to add girths to your wardrobe...altho it did sound like your hubby might own a crop already - (to keep his secretary in line).....

spymum said...

Top hole! Absolutely brilliant and razor sharp! I am laughing like a drain as usual!

FYI - all the mums think my husband looks like Mr Darcy. I am a very lucky woman (with a big stick to swat the other mums away!)

Anonymous said...

dulwichmum - what are Teno pants ?

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Anonymous,

Tena Pants are those incontinence pants they advertise on TV, where the elderly lady looks just delighted to be suffering from a weak bladder, indeed, I seem to remember her dancing on the beach with joy!

Anonymous said...

Found in a dustbin in Fulham: a page torn from Natalia's diary:
My english it is not so good. I maik many mistakes with it and what Mrs Soupa calz the acazionale serieuze gaf. But what I want to say is, Mrs Soupa is not such the nice lady as that other 1 that writes the stuf about birdz and babyz and keyz got lost and getz peeple staht huging peeple and stuf like that. Mrs Soupaz kidz is not so nice too – kworelsum I think youd say and pickity with foodz and other stuf and everday I must take them to the paark and feed the animulz and the burdz that arnt the nise burdz like that other ladyz burdz but onz that peck your baksid when you dont feed them fast and other stuf like that. Mrs Soupa pretendz lotz of stuff too like living in three houzez in some place that iznt London when edita and Michaelena and me and all the uthers round hear can tell that her house is write bangsmak in Fullim and not up in that uther plaice at al. Sometimz I cry and say Im goeing home to Poland and then shez nise to me 4 a day and the kidz are nise and evrything seemz yankydudle but it doznt last and so Im probly goeing back anyway or I will goe to werk for frayaz mum or that other nise lady who writz about the babyz and the birdz
Hav to go now becoz Mrs soupa haz com back and the kidz iz criying and iznt fed and the bedz iznt made and all the stuf like that . itz not so nise hear tho as at that uther ladyz, I can tell you

The thinker said...

Poor Natalia - ti toudns as if she is struggling in her job. Are you sure you've not hired a Pole Dancer. I'm sure a Polish nanny would have a better command of written English language than this. After all their education system sounds far superior to ours.

local yokel said...

Top form Rilly

Jan said...

Good fun, all this but I do hope everyone has stopped crying now.
It's Saturday evening ( in the south as well as the north) and maybe you'd all like to choose your Josephs with Andrew LLoyd Webber.
LIstening to lyrics may REALLY help Natalia the Nanny with her English.
Have YOU got a strong northern accent yet or just a pleasant burr?...

Anonymous said...

thanks Dulwichmum, as I have no TV you have set my mind at rest..

Thanks goodness I'm a man - I don't have to worry about telling the difference between Damart and Damaris underwear...

Anonymous said...

jan "and maybe you'd all like to choose your Josephs with Andrew LLoyd Webber."

As Will Self said on the radio today, "About as much chance as cutting off both my buttocks, varnishing them and selling them off in a provincial gift shop"

Anything featuring that ugly, thick, talentless and tone-deaf eejit Lloyd Webber, especially if accompanied by a side order of Graham Norton on a 'family show' [why?] is as visually appealing as poking red hot hat pins in my eyes.

I Beatrice said...

Typically churlish comment from Will Self, Anonymous! Those who patronise Lloyd Webber would doubtless like to possess just a smidgin of his talent. I guess it's the sheer scale of his success that turns them sour (never mind about his bank balance!).

I for one am happy to declare publicly that his appearances on the Maria and Joseph programmes have provided some of the most fascinating and original television for many a long day.

Would that spiteful Will Self were even half so modest, or so entertaining as the Good Lord!

Anonymous said...

i beatrice - let me guess, you read the Daily Mail, listen to Norah Jones and your favourite film is 'When Harry met Sally' closely followed by 'Sleepless in Seattle', your fave author is Jilly Cooper and your idea of an edgy stand-up comedian is Bruce Forsyth...

Isn't this blog dangerously cutting edge for you ? By the way, Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'talent' is clearly so amazing that it is surely only a careless oversight that prevents those philistines at the English National Opera from running his work, and only sheer bloody-mindedness that the RSC refuses to cave into 'popular demand' and add the works of JK Rowling to its repertoire..

Anonymous said...

"I for one am happy to declare publicly that his appearances on the Maria and Joseph programmes have provided some of the most fascinating and original television for many a long day."

I'm sorry to hear that your telly is clearly on the blink - if you call an engineer I am sure he will be able to fix it so that you are no longer restricted to only one channel. That said, I find it very depressing that 'Life On Mars' is clearly less appealing to you than a man whose main contribution to the musical theatre is an ability to re-define the concept of 'lowest common denominator' entertainment.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Chortle chortle, I do like your blog rilly!

I Beatrice said...

Oh dear I do seem to have seem to have upset some of your anonymouses Rilly, don't I? Never mind, it's probably very good for them to let off steam like that.

And of course there were people who complained about Mozart, when he would amuse himself with writing The Magic Flute instead of concentrating on the Requiem...

Some people are just TERRIFIED of appearing to have vulgar tastes, poor dears, but it's nice that they are able to have their heads here, don't you think?

I Beatrice said...

By the bye, anonymous dears - do try to compare like with like. It would give your irony a sharper edge.

Daisy Turnip said...

You rilly make me laugh really! Keep up the excellent work. Sob sob

rilly super said...

oh sarnia, I hesitate to think of the psychoanalytical significance of Mr Darcy's baboon head, in fact I'm not going to think about it at all..

thank you M&M, you are lovely

anonymous, old codgers who read the telegraph visiting this blog? oh gawd, that would include my husband

thanks for dropping by secretary my dear, I can see we went to the same parenting classes!

dulwichmum, my life is so grim that would be just another inconveniance that I would barely notice, although I would get a few good anecdotes for the blog from it

aims, oh please don't say 'girth',too many difficult connotations,oh too late, sob sob

spymum, should I be very jealous or does your husband simply have sideburns and tight trousers?

beatr..I mean anonymous with the natalia diary, you may need some more research on that, the girls stole the 'Z' from Natalias laptop as a joke so it can't be our Natalia

Thinker, I'm not sure about Natalia's english as she hasn't spoken to me for months, she just looks brooding and resentful. I can't think why.

Jan, thanks ever so for dropping by dear. I have used the TV to keep the children out of trouble for years but I think it's probably a good idea to try it with the nanny as well. Don't worry about my developing a northern accent, I play back radio 3 continuity announcers at half speed and repeat every vowel sound to counteract any harmful effects of coming into contact with locals

anoymous and beatrice, can't comment on the joseph show but I know hubby was glued to that sound of music series and he even has that Connie girl on his phone ringtone, don't know what I should read into that, sigh

thankyou for your kind words PITK and glad your back from your hols even though I put on pounds just reading your blog

daisy, thanks for dropping by again. It's really is lovely when people say such nice things.I was looking at some photos of some place up north on your blog, it looked very grim, you really are a sucker for punishment of you not only visit here but actually travel up north as well