the outsider function

Milly and Tilly were keen and ready to go on their expedition far and away across the other side of the road but I stopped them at the front door. ‘Ok girls, you haven’t forgotten anything now have you?’ ‘No Mummy’, they sighed. ‘Let’s just make sure’ I said. 'You must be prepared, it's grim up north you know.' I ran through the checklist:

Telescopic poles to tap on the road so I know where you are
GPS electronic satellite thingy to save £2 cost of streetmap
Ray Mears wilderness bushcraft survival handbook and DVD

large heavy copy of Bravo Two Zero to beat off local children
Brightly coloured woolly hats with dangly tassles to blend in

Supply of kendal mintcake to trade for real food in emergency
Portable Camping aga, well, just never leave home without it
Flag sent from Ken Livingstone to stake claim to village green
Sunglasses as disguise from journos not from Sunday Times
Anecdotes about falling down a crevasse on Hamstead Heath
Spray-on repellent and hat to keep locals at bay if item 4 fails

I realised I needed to quickly go and work on a less tenuous sounding action mountaineering adventure movie inspired title so I left out the last twenty five items on the list. 'Ok girls, I want you back from Freya’s birthday party by six. Don't dawdle, don't talk to any local children on the way and don't come back without a goody bag worth at least the same as Freya's birthday present, oh hang on, damn, her present, I knew there was something I'd forgotten...