Monday, March 26, 2007

big breaths

I took a deep breath when the phone rang. I should have known it was going to be my agent. I would have been quite silly not to have known as I had to drive into town to take the call. ‘Rilly, darling..’ he began, ‘I’m here at the publishers, you’re on speaker dear’. This sounded very important. ‘I see Wife in the North has done breastfeeding on her blog, damn, she's good, and we think your blog needs more breasts in it, to give a more rounded picture, so to speak, so what do you think?’ I knew there was something, but I couldn't put my finger on it, then it came to me. ‘Just one snag', I said. 'Oh God, you're not pierced are you Rilly?!' exclaimed my agent. 'I haven’t got any nursing children’ I told him. ‘Hmm, that is a problem’, said my agent and another voice asked ‘Rilly, we really need breasts, this is Tim from marketing by the way, how quickly can you get a baby? What’s the lead time?’ As I tried to add nine months to the next time I could see myself having sex another voice came on the line. ‘Howdy Rilly, this is Hank in the New York office, listen, you really need to work with us on this one ma’am. In our polling, 64% of male college students and 97% of the soccer mom demographic answered yes to the question should Rilly Super get them out, as long she doesn’t do it at the Superbowl. Our American readers are counting on you Rill!’ I could see the point that London and New York were making, that such a personal and private mother-child intimate moment would naturally be expected to appear in the blog by my readers. Another voice, a woman, came on the line 'Konnichiwa, Rillysan, I am interpretor for Mr Nagashima in Tokyo office, Mr Nagashima ask can you write about your breasts being different sizes like Wife in North. Mr Nagashima say his wife very interested in this problem, In fact Mrs Nagashima have to wear padded kimono to match left with right and stop her walking round in circles.’ I'm not sure if they detected that my hesitancy was from a concern to keep my blog in the best possible taste. Tokyo came on the line again. ‘Mr Nagashima say, if no breast feeding in blog, readers not think it genuine account of family life but think probably all just made up to market book. Mr Nagashima have to go now, translation of latest wife in the north post in Japanese just arrived. Sayonara Rillysan’. New York came back on. ‘Gotta go too Rilly, gotta check the mock-up promotional Wife in the North barbeque apron. Be seein' ya!’ and he left me alone with my thoughts, my agent and the entire marketing department in London. ‘I’m not just making something up you know’ I warned them. ‘I’ll lose all credibility if Strife in the North isn’t totally truthful’ . There was a hushed murmering from the other end of the line ‘We know you’ll make the right decision Rilly darling’ said my agent and hung up. I didn’t think I could make up stories just to sell the book, just to keep people reading the blog. I would be deceiving people for whom total honesty was the very thing they most expected from me. This was just the story of an ordinary family, not Desperate Housewives meets Emmerdale. Suddenly as I examined my conscience, my deep ethical and moral contemplation was interrupted, and I could hear the baby crying…

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Rilly, sorry to be a pain, poppet, and sorry if it is difficult to bring up these topics, but...

We haven't heard much about your husband and the building works of late..I know they say 'no news is good news', but we are getting more than a little concerned for their welfare...sorry to nag...

Sarns said...

...and on that point (nagging) please don't forget to stock up on breast pads. It'll make you sound convincing plus it's good for leakage problems.

I Beatrice said...

Granny in the south writes:
I came to your blog by way of Wife in the North,of whom I am a loyal follower. She has a great many loyal followers, as I'm sure you must have observed. She also has the book deal which - so far as I'm aware - you don't have (unless of course you are actually Jilly Cooper in disguise).
My advice to you is this: don't squander your undoubted (if uneven - you ought to edit more!)flair for satire on de-constructing other people's blogs. Write one of your own instead.You might not be able to be quite so clever or so funny, but at least when you you were being clever or funny, you'd be so at your own expense and not some other blogger's!
Some people might like you for the sort of thing you're doing now, but many more will loathe and despise you.(My husband thinks you're unspeakable. Why not put your talents to better use therefore, by writing a genuine "Wife in the South" blog of your own? I've been waiting for someone to do just that. I'd do it myself, if I were a young wife instead of a granny, and if I knew anything at all about a) Northumberland and b)Fulham.....
Write about the trials and tribulations of a wife who'd left her charming rectory in Northumberland, and come down to try to grapple with the pretensions (and the hideous houses) of Battersea or Fulham.... Only think of the fun we'd all have - and at no-one else's expense. And you - well, you could have your fun too. And eat it, so to speak....

rilly super said...

oh gosh chaps, thanks for dropping by and ta very much for the tips. All advice gratefully received around here I say!

anonymous, more about hubby - check -well, don't see much of him but he is certain to pop up sooner or later, and don't be silly, you're not nagging at all

sarns, breast pads - check ( might have to order those from the south though)

granny - more editing - check - and don't upset your husband, well, I'll see what I can do dear but it seems to be all I can do to keep my own husband happy lately, sigh. Hope your's isn't as grumpy as mine can be. Thanks ever so for visiting, hope to see you again soon

Mopsa said...

Satire is an art form in itself - don't stop. or where will I go for the morning belly laugh?

I Beatrice said...

Granny says:

Nicely taken, Rilly. And I laugh at you too, believe me. Could delight wholeheartedly in fact - if only it wasn't at someone else's expense.

Anonymous said...

Oh but Granny, why do you then delight in WITN, much of which is at Northumberland's and Northumbrians' expense?

Sarns said...

Granny in the South:

I don't loathe what Rilly is doing; I find it hugely amusing.

Satire; sending up; whatever you want to call it can be very funny indeed (Craig Brown for example) and also - if it pricks a few pompous people's bubbles then so much the better!