Sunday, March 30, 2008

north riding lessons

Yes, well, where was I; Saturday morning. So, there I was, stood with the stable girl as the children had their riding lesson. ‘When do you think they’ll get real horses?’ I asked. ‘Rupert prefers to start with the simulator’, she explained, ‘it keeps the insurance premiums down’. I nodded in understanding. ‘So how’s business?’ I asked. ‘OK’, she said, ‘but Rupert has booked me to give some lessons for that southern downshifter’s children, you know, the one with the blog, life in the north or something I think it's called’. ‘But that’s great isn’t it?’ I suggested, nervously. My stable girl friend wasn’t so sure. ‘I’ve read her blog’, she said. ‘She regards us working folk as little more than dancing bears to entertain the folks back home and sell more copies of her book’, she said. ‘You know, if she was here now I bet she’d even report this whole conversation in her blog’. ‘Well’, I said, ‘that’s journalism my dear’. She shook her head. ‘Living my life and doing my job in my own home town wasn't a news story before she turned up here and it isn't now’, she said. ‘What she does is just happy slapping in tweeds’.


I looked down and shuffled my feet and we both turned back to the girls. There had been a bit of a mishap and Tilly was holding her horse’s head under her arm, and the rest of the horse under the other arm. She started to cry. ‘You wouldn’t leave me crying when there’s room on your horse for two would you Milly?’ she pleaded to her sister. ‘Yes', said Milly, 'F**k off Tilly!’ Suddenly the sound of galloping hooves could be heard approaching along the beach. The next moment a great white horse came into view, its rider’s fair hair flowing in the wind, a cloud of spray from the sea whipping up around it. The horse came to a halt in the yard. ‘Ayup girls!’ said the rider, ‘jump on!’. My daughters dropped their hobby horses and leapt aboard. ‘Back in a while Mrs Super’, called the rider, as she pulled on the reins, turned the horse and galloped off towards the horizon. ‘But Milly’ I cried out after my vanishing beloved children, ‘you’ve got the car keys!’. I turned back towards the stable girl. ‘Who was that masked metaphor?’ I asked, but she was reaching into her bag for lunch. Her arm emerged and she turned towards me holding something up. ‘Fancy an apple?’ she said.

15 comments:

CrazyCath said...

Wasn't the rider meant to come and rescue YOU Rilly?

Something gone badly wrong there...

aims said...

But - I thought she was in Poland for 5 days??

With both you and your daughter getting book contracts - don't you think you could spring for a real horse riding place? or at least be a good friend and point your agent over to my blog...

Expatmum said...

"STOOD with the stable girl" - that's a rather Northern sounding phrase. Watch it Rilly!

Mr Farty said...

Lucky for you the girls left you a working hobby horse to get you home. Hi ho Dobbin, away!

Expatmum said...

PS. I think I have the only three kids in the USA who know all the words to "Two Little Boys" courtesy of Rolf Harris' Greatest hits CD. I still well up when I get to the end too!

girl with the mask said...

That. Was. Brilliant.

Laughing lots.

Rilly, rilly great!

G.I.M x

Anonymous said...

Right on!

mutterings and meanderings said...

Hi ho Silver, away!

Calamity Jane said...

The simulator = best laugh I've had today. Thanks!

Norman said...

I like the simulator too. But I could never figure out horse riding, is the left ear the clutch and the right ear the thottle. I suppose if you give the right ear a sharp twist the horse will respond just like a motorbike and pull an equine wheelie!

Er... did you get your keys back then?

All Shook Up said...

Rilly! Milly and Tilly on a strange filly? Willy nilly? And so close to Dewsbury, too! (Shaking head)

Semaj Mahgih said...

North Riding.

Home

rilly super said...

crazycath dear, you are so right, I mean she wasn't to know I am allergic to horses..

aims, you really should think carefully before getting involved with my agent; he's not the hotshot he claimed to be when I signed with him you know, sigh. I am quite sure you'll be discovered by someone more helpful

expatmum, oh gawd, you don't mean I'm even starting to write with a northern accent?

Mr farty, yes, I wasn't completely abandoned but all my favourite CDs were in the car. can you imagine going all the way home with no James Blunt to listen to?!

Expatmum, it's good to here you are bringing culture to america. When two little boys gets sung at the start of the superbowl you will know your work there is done

girl with the mask, thanks ever so for dropping by and what a very lovely mask you are wearing in that photo too, but whatever must you look like in real life?

rilly super said...

sorry, back now..

anonymous, thanks ever so for dropping by!

mutterings and meanderings dear, please don't remind me that now my children call me the moan ranger, sigh

whip crack away calamity jane and how lovely to see you

norman, it's all a mystery to me too. I can't even find the drinks holder sometimes you know

all shook up, you know sometimes I just don't think you're taking my travails seriously enough old chap, sob

semaj mahgih, I'm so glad you came by. If I hadn't got my tartar warrior visit stats up this month I could have lost my government diversity grant, so phew!

Hadriana's Treasures said...

Yep - I was right - DEFINITELY a Northern sense of humour.

Just discovered your blog recently through Daily Telegraph - as they say up here: "Champion" (that's got nothing to do with horses!