Sunday, January 06, 2008

new year's lay

It was New Year's Day . My husband appeared in the doorway of the lounge. ‘I say’, he said, ‘awfully quiet around here’. ‘The children have gone to Basil and Coriander’s house’, I explained. My husband thought for a moment. ‘Well’, he began, ‘this year I’m going to pay more attention to some important things I’ve been neglecting rather terribly in the past’. I looked up. He stretched out his arms. ‘Yes, I need to give some parts of this old body a bit more exercise than they've been getting of late’. I raised my eyebrows and moved to get up. ‘You stay there darling’, he told me, ever so authoritatively. ‘I just need to pop upstairs, get out of these things, you know…’ and he disappeared. Of course I knew what was coming. I quickly undressed, arranged myself in a seductive pose across the chaise longue, and awaited my man...

The door opened. 'Oh gosh darling’ said my husband, observing my classical repose ‘you really have acclimatised while I've been away haven't you !’ I looked up at my husband. ‘Darling’ I said softly, ‘has anyone ever told you how sexy you are in those running shoes?’ He smiled. ‘Yes, actually, well, just Fabio’, he replied, ‘but then he’s my secretary so I suppose he doesn’t really count, sigh’. I gave a come hither shrug of my goosebumped shoulders. ‘Anyway, just off for a once around the village, blow the cobwebs away, you know!' ‘What about my bloody cobwebs?’ I thought, but said ‘you won’t get lost will you dear?’ He smiled nervously. 'Oh, err, what’s our house number again?' I told him.‘And the errr…’ I told him the name of our street. ‘And just in case I should stray outside the houses…’ I told him the name of the village. ‘Don’t worry’, I assured him, 'if you end up at the wrong house at least you’ll know when you don’t recognise the children!’. He laughed. ‘Oh yes’, he said, peering at a photo on the mantlepiece. ‘Of course, who could forget the children?’ . ‘That’s your nephew’, I corrected. ‘You have daughters’. He blushed. ‘Ha ha’ he said, ‘well, you can’t tell them apart at that age can you!’ ‘That’s his graduation photo darling’. ‘Oh, well,’ he said, turning to leave, ‘if I’m not back by dark call out those big strapping chaps from the fell rescue team for me!’ although of course he really didn’t need to tell me that. As the door slammed behind him I was already dialling their number.

13 comments:

lady macleod said...

now THIS is a tale of woe! Perhaps you can "get him" in the shower after his run - depending of course if he finds his way home...

Mopsa said...

Rilly, he clearly bats for the other team - go and take you pick from the fell rescue chaps as solace. And you've been tagged if you care to call.

dulwichmum said...

Perfect Rilly,

I was not too shocked to read this dreadful tale. Indeed, you would not find an entirely dissimilar situation in my own home, perhaps it is simply the way of powerful men... My own dear James has spent the evening singing along with the High School Musical Wii game in preference to some quiet time alone with me.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Saucy rilly, how lovely for you! The fell-walking chaps I mean.
Happy New Year to you!
Pix

mutterings and meanderings said...

Ooh Rilly, hope they big and burly enough for you ...

Potty Mummy said...

It must be contagious, this resolve on the part of our men to sort out their physique. I give it until Tuesday.

aims said...

Did you mention his name when you called them - or did you just give them your addy?

@themill said...

Happy New Year m'dear.
Resolution for 2008 - shoot Fabio, then your husband

Nina said...

Love your last line--I was right with you on that, LOL. I can relate to the forgetfulness of the man. Is he a college professor, by any chance?

Hmm, perhaps you need more practice with your "come hither" look? If only there were someone to give you "feedback".

rilly super said...

lady macleod, it is sad indeed but unfortunately he spends so little time with us it is no surprise, sigh

mopsa darling, gosh, I Shall pop round. I'm afraid I haven't been around much this week so have some catching up to do. 'bats for the other side' you say? you don't mean he goes over to play for wensleydale side instead of for our village team? now that WILL cause trouble!

dulwichmum, how lovely to see you dear. I shall certainly have a look under the mattress later as he has been known to conceal such sordid items as sing along a sound of music tapes before. Men, huh!

pig in the kitchen, happy new year to you too dear, or bonne année as they say in that foreign land where you have been taken away from us

M&M, they certainly are all that and come well endowed with ropes as well but that story is for another day...

potty mummy, that's what I give our marriage quite often dear, but I'm still here, sigh

aims, you have to give these chaps a precise map reference darling, or they will likely take all their cave rescue gear down the wrong hole...

@mill, this is an uncharactaristically direct approch to the problem dear! surely a stiff letter, then resort to fire arms?

nina, thanks for dropping by, and thanks for the link of course too. You are quite right about getting some feedback on my sadly lacking seduction technique. Perhaps I need to look at putting something in youtube and seeing what happens..

Anonymous said...

Oh, Rilly..I have just finished reading 'the best a man can get' by John O'Farrell..

Drop me an email when your man is going to be away and I shall pop round and 'give the old boiler a good servicing..' - I will even bring my overalls so as not to arouse suspicion...

Anonymous said...

Rilly, Perhaps you could drop a few little clues in your blog about your, ahem, preferences, as I know sometimes you girls don't like to have to ask in too obvious a manner..

BACK - I fancy a back rub with some expensive unguents for lubrication

HOT FOOT - I require a reflexology foot massage, with that proper oil they sell in Boots...

TRIP TO BATH - Please bring round some aromatherapy oils for a bubble bath 'cappuccino' in the Jacuzzi..

ICE CREAM - Please come over and give me a good licking [area to be advised]

CUP OF TEA - I'm desperate for something hot and steamy...

STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM - Sorry, but you'll have to use your imagination for this one...

Eats Wombats said...

John O'Farrell?

http://wombatdiet.net/2007/03/20/the-worst-a-man-can-get/

I hope you found the copy I gave away and didn't pay for this.